The Emperor’s New Dog

The Emperor's New ClothesDog

I like dogs. Humans have had a good relationship with dogs for a long time and I approve of them, wholeheartedly. I don’t really approve of cats. I don’t know anyone that went hunting with a cat and besides, they scratch. However, I am showing a prejudice for dogs and do feel mighty ashamed for having these unpleasant thoughts associated with cats. Therefore, the idea came to me that I might feel better about cats if I just changed their names from cats to dogs. That just might make things right.

From now on, I would prefer that everyone I know refer to cats as dogs. Both cats and dogs will be called exactly the same, though it could cause some confusion here and there. But this new rule will make it possible to pass laws that make any public reference to cats paramount to hate-speech against any dog that was formerly called a cat. That way we can have a new civil rights bill that will give the new dog the right not to be called a cat. Wow! What a brainstorm I’m having.

I’m not a real smart guy (some call me a moron) and you might have guessed that from the above paragraphs. But I think this just about sums up my understanding of homosexual marriages. At no time in the history of mankind to my recollection have these types of relationships ever been called a marriage. So in my simple way of thinking about things, I wonder why our society thinks they have a right to redefine something just about as fundamental and easy to understand as cats and dogs. It is a complete puzzlement to me.

Is it hate-speech to call homosexual relationships abnormal or disordered? Because if I saw two male birds building a nest together I would probably say that I discovered something that was really unusual and I might want to take pictures of it to send to a bird magazine or something. Would that be wrong? Or if a cat loved to ride in the back of my pickup truck and go hunting, I’d think someone might soon take notice and say that I have a pretty strange cat. So should I get mad at them? Maybe so, because it looks to me that it is hate-speech if you just want to call something what it really is without making up a new word for what it isn’t. But I must be wrong because the world seems to say that a new meaning for a word changes the entire nature and character of a thing. It magically makes something that is abnormal, ordinary and quite normal in behavior. It must be one of those concepts they study at the big universities, ‘cause I find it way too complicated for me to understand. Might be that algebra stuff.

That’s really pretty neat though. Wait just one second then! (And y’all thought I was dumb), why don’t all of you just redefine my name to Emperor? It ought to work for me too, shouldn’t it? That would mean that my nature and character would change magically and I’d be in charge of everything and everyone. I’ll be filthy rich and live in a castle. And as the new Emperor I might just get me one of them new fangled dogs ‘cause he might just come in handy if someone tries to break into my magic kingdom.

This changing the nature of things by some law or ‘other has got to be true otherwise our whole society wouldn’t be so darn eager to change the meaning of stuff by redefining some words I thought I understood. So if I’m now the Emperor and if you still don’t see my new clothes or my new dog for that matter, you might just find yourself getting arrested. You’d better say that you admire my clothes and my dog even if you don’t. Well, OK, I’ve given you fair warning. I think I might start liking this.

So, for the sake of equality, there will no longer be any cats in this world; only different kinds of dogs. That should end my disapproval of cats. So, as your Emperor (I assume you are calling me Emperor now), I decree that there will no longer be any such thing called a cat. Well that should just about do it as far as I’m concerned. One more problem solved. Now they can go back to the important work of redefining the word marriage.

Boy, after all this deep thinkin’ my head’s hurtin’. So, in ending, please don’t get mad at me. I know I’m just a simple fella asking some simple questions. I’m not nearly so smart as all these politicians who are hard at work on all these vital issues of national importance. After all, that’s why they make the big bucks, ain’t it? As for me, I’m gonna take some Goody’s powder and take a nap.

P.S. Do you think the Supreme Court will vote favorably for my idea of banning the word cat? I sure hope so, but if I could just get them to change my name to Emperor, I could do it all on my own. That would be just to my liking. I think redefining words could work out real good. And it might be fun at that. On that note, I think I’ll just sleep on it and see what they end up doin’.


21 thoughts on “The Emperor’s New Dog

  1. My c*t requested that I write down for her that she would like to point out that many a good c*t has indeed gone hunting and brought home freshly killed prey and left it on the doorstep of the good human servants that take care of its home. She further wonders how many dogs have acted accordingly, without being told to do so. She further directed that I mention she sniffed in disdain at what clearly is an unenlightened view of the nature of c*ts. 😀

    But seriously.

    To be sure, there are people who speak hatefully of homosexuals, and should be censured for such. The mistitled Reverend Phelps of Kansas is one such. Sadly though, people like Mr. Phelps have only helped homosexual activists and their supporters to brand anyone who believes homosexuality to be immoral as haters.


    • Well your c*t may be a good mouser but I bet you ain’t never seen a seeing eye c*t.

      And on the serious side: Catholics have been pretty clear that our position on all things pertaining to sin is that we are to love the sinner and hate the sin. We can’t do anything about what others say or do or what the media chooses to cover: they all have their own agendas. I guess we just keep our heads down and pray.


      • “I bet you ain’t never seen a seeing eye c*t.”

        Admittedly, that would be a short career for a c*t. A very short career.

        On the serious side: What bothers me is that it’s getting more and more that if you state Christian beliefs at all, you run the risk of being declared intolerant and a hater.


        • Stephen, welcome to the Catholic Church! I know we have been blessed in this country for a long time but it is a constant battle going on against the Church. We never geared up for the real persecution which I’m afraid is looking more and more like a real possibility, even in our own country. So many Catholics in this world practice the faith in fear of their lives. Don’t discount the possiblity that we are called to the same heroism they show in continuing in their faith: more martyrs were lost in the 20th century than in all the precious centuries of the Church. It’s an amazing statistic but sadly it is getting worse around the world instead of better. It will be far more brutal in the future. Let us pray that we can get God to intervene in this deterioration (or should I say outright rejection) of Christian values. That looks like a longshot at best when we see what just happened to Chick-fil-a and of course the removal of anything Christian in our secular society. It is really ramping up quickly. Grab your weapon (the rosary) and start praying for the intentions of our religious freedom. As you can see, I don’t think that the possibility of martyrs in our own country is out of the question. Will we be ready if we are asked to give our lives for the faith? I pray for the strength to be able to stand the ground as did John Fisher and Thomas More before us.


    • Wait a minute. I just noticed that you didn’t call me Emperor and you also said the word “c*t” which is now politically incorrect. Shame on you. Lucky for you that I didn’t moderate your comment.

      It’s OK this time, I have edited your comments to make them acceptable to our new polically correct speech.


  2. Please, lets all go to Chick-fil-A this week and show our support for Dan Cathy,the President and owner, and his stance for traditional Biblical values. When you go, watch the employees give great customer service. Can you believe in this day and time, Chick-fil-A actually trains and demands that their employees give great customer service? Amazing!


  3. I’ll go. But since I don’t like chicken, I’m gonna call it a hamburger.

    Can you imagine that in this country, a business run on Biblical values, is considered by some prominent political leaders to be discriminatory and hateful? I wonder what God they think they answer to: or is it possible that they redefined God as well when we weren’t looking? The people should take notice that Satan is the father of lies and that he always calls good evil and evil good. Thank God, some of us know which banner they fight under.


  4. If we now call all c*ts dogs, would we then take a name of a sandwich like “hot dog” and flip it, making it now a “hot c*t”?

    I’m typing this while my two c*ts are occupied elsewhere, as I don’t think either of them would appreciate the concept of a hot c*t sandwich. 😀


    • Actually no Stephen. You see you just used the unusable word in our language. But the movie “C*t on a Hot Tin Roof” will now be re-run as the “Dog on a Hot Tin Roof.” I know it will take a bit of getting used to but after a stint of about 30 days in the slammer I think you’ll get it.


  5. You are hilarious! The other guests in the hotel where I am staying must think there is a mad lady staying in my room – I am laughing so much!

    I agree so much with what you said. It is absurd how they are changing things! It used to be that homosexuality WAS classified as a disorder in psychology, until they removed that. Now they want to remove pedophilia as a disorder and say that it is normal and healthy, and the pedophiles are following the homosexuals methods to obtain success (such as saying it is not a disorder, etc.).

    It is absurd. Thanks for showing just how absurd it is!


    • I’m so glad you enjoyed it. I know I had fun writing it: it was a Mark Twain moment. Yes, the absurdity of how our politicians spend their time and our money on the most asinine things and then feel obliged to pass laws and make people subject to fines or jail time for violating their upside down policies and practices. You’d think that there would be just a modicum of intelligence in the whole lot, wouldn’t you.


      • Yes, but the problem is that their IS intelligence behind it – the intelligence of the cunning liar himself. It is warped intelligence to be sure, cold and uncaring, but it is there, and that is why it is working in our society today to tear apart the church and introduce things so “stupid” so easily. It is problematic, but we have to keep fighting the best we can.

        God bless you and keep up the good fight!


  6. Dear Emperor: my c*t is most unhappy with your posting and my dog is also unhappy. How dare you, he says, put c*ats and dogs in the same category? He’s pouting right now and in a real funk. I’ll send you the vet bill if he doesn’t get better soon.
    My feeling is that same-sex marriage is an oxymoron, much like “supreme court” or that there “federal government.”
    You should read the “I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do” article in the Aug. 6 issue of Time magazine. It’s about polygamists wanting federal laws approving same-sex marriage so they can ride the gay and lesbian community’s coat tails into having plural marriages sanctioned. It’s a sick, sick world out there. I’m thinking about staying indoors with my Rosary and never leaving the house.
    These are my thoughts, dear Emperor, but just remember that God is greater than any ole’ emperor.


    • Dear Betty, although your letter redeemed you in the end, there will be no more accomodations for those who insist on using the old meanings of words now forbidden. I might define the word fasting to mean eating copious amounts of food next. I’m thinking about it.


  7. Dear Emp, I’ve been thinking that you can’t call a cat a dog or a dog a cat because they were named in the Book of Genesis – all creatures great and small. What’s that you say? There is no pet mentioned in Genesis. Wait, Noah had both domestic and wild animals on the ark. I’d like to think that there was a family dog in the Adam / Eve family to romp around with the young children after they were kicked out of Eden for disobeying God. I wonder if mortality and original sin were enough punishment or if banning household pets was added on. No, that can’t be, otherwise the ban would come down upon us today just like mortality and original sin. I’m having my own mental Olympics here.

    Speaking of the Olympics, Jamaica’s Usain Bolt won the men’s 100 meter race in record time yesterday. “This is what’s going to make me a legend,” he said. He ran the race in 9.63 seconds, breaking his previous Olympic gold record. So that begs another question: were you inspired in 9.63 seconds to proclaim yourself emperor? I hope you realize that I’m just having some fun with you, but that might be the point of your humorous beginning about cats and dogs. You wanted someone to call you on it. Oh, I don’t disagree with your viewpoint about same-sex marriage though, or your excellent Orwellian point of redefining words. No, not me. Ever.


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